Because all you need is a turkey (if you've already got a chicken inside a duck)

"All you need's a turkey, if you've already got a chicken inside a duck," began a turducken song I once found online, but cannot find now--even after scouring the bowels of the Internet. Anyway, some words of advice from our friends at the USDA Food Safety and Inspection Service:

Club sandwiches, lasagna, and eggs Benedict are examples of foods assembled in layers. However, "turducken"—a layered poultry dish especially popular during the holidays—is an exceptionally risky one that requires safe food handling and thorough cooking to prevent food borne illness.

Good to know.

The "turducken" is a deboned stuffed chicken inside a deboned stuffed duck inside a deboned stuffed turkey. The name is comprised of syllables from the words "turkey," "duck," and "chicken." [Well I'll be...] Usually the tip end of the turkey leg bones and the first two wing joints are left on the turkey so that after assembly, the finished product resembles a whole turkey. Alternatively, the finished turducken can be a completely boneless roll with stuffing layered between each bird.

How, then, can I be sure my turducken is safe?

Critical control points involved in handling this risky assemblage are many, especially if the dish is made by a consumer and not in a USDA-inspected plant. [I always thought that our greatest Thanksgiving food borne illness threats came from the greedy capitalists in "Big Turducken." I didn't realize that  unregulated black market turduckens might actually pose a bigger danger.] Safe steps in food handling, cooking, and storage are essential to prevent food borne illness. You can't see, smell, or taste harmful bacteria that may cause illness. In every step of food preparation, follow the four Fight BAC!® guidelines to keep food safe: [1. Clean—Wash hands and surfaces often. 2. Separate—Don't cross-contaminate. 3.Cook—Cook to proper temperatures. 4. Chill—Refrigerate promptly.

Perhaps my favorite piece of advice is this:

If the turducken has been purchased through mail order, make sure it arrives frozen with a cold source in an insulated carton. Transfer it immediately to the freezer. If the turducken arrives warm, notify the company. Do not use the product.

There's so much to be grateful for this Thanksgiving, not the least of which is having benevolent bureaucrats on hand to keep us safe from consumption of unregulated turduckens. To think if those tea party types were to ever take power, millions of Americans might be exposed to warm mail-order turduckens. Bureaucracy for the win.

Exit Question: Do you think the bishops would consider making turducken safety a sixth non-negotiable? Admit it, for once, you'd love to see the campaign ads:

As Senator, Tim Smith even said he'd cut funding for the USDA, exposing millions of Americans to unregulated turduckens. Senator Smith: WRONG on turduckens. WRONG for Wisconsin families.

H/T HotAir