Kim Seidel: How I told my kids about Fr. Pat

"What did you tell your kids?" After the devastating news came out about the Rev. Patrick Umberger - known affectionately as "Father Pat" to his hundreds of parishioners and students - that's the main question I heard parents from St. Patrick School and Church ask one another.

For the past seven years, my two daughters have attended St. Patrick's School in Onalaska, and we have been members of St. Patrick's Church. As a professional writer and editor specializing in parenting, I have covered many tough topics, including speaking to children about bullying, divorce, illness and death.

But this has been my toughest, real-life assignment.

I didn't have time to research and to interview experts before the shocking news came out that our pastor - a man my family admired and trusted - was arrested for possession of child pornography. For about four days, our local newspaper, radio, and television stations carried the ugly news, not sparing any of us from the dirty, disturbing details that revealed additional sins beyond pornography.

What did I tell my kids? The details I shared separately with my daughters varied widely, due to the difference in their ages of 12 and 7. This was one common denominator among parents I spoke with - they considered their child's ages before they talked to them - or did not talk to them, especially if they were younger than about 4.

I spoke with my daughters within a few hours of hearing the bad news. I didn't consider hiding or waiting on it. I wanted my girls to hear information that's likely to confuse and to scare them from their own parent, from someone who loves and cares about them and will do whatever it takes to keep them safe.

With our radios and televisions on during most of the day, along with get-togethers with friends and trips to the local pool, the girls were bound to hear something about Father Pat. I wasn't taking any chances that they would not hear it from me first. My husband was out of town that week; I was on my own for this talk.

I wish I could write that my discussions with my daughters went smoothly. I was nervous. I felt angry and betrayed about the news, which did not make these moments easy. Children quickly sense these emotions in adults.

I told my 12-year-old, who attended the school since kindergarten and graduated this spring, that Father Pat had been arrested, accused of looking at inappropriate photos of children on his computer. She immediately stomped her foot in anger and firmly stated that she was no longer going to serve at Mass. I empathized with her anger, and then I reminded her that she did not serve for Father Pat. She grew quiet when I calmly explained that she and others served at Masses for God and our parish family.

This is the main point I keep coming back to for my family during this difficult time: Our faith does not depend on a priest. We attend weekly Mass to honor, praise and to thank God for our many blessings. Our Catholic faith is beautiful, and it's truly bigger and deeper than the mistakes made by imperfect human beings in our church.

It's very hard to explain to a 12-year-old about pornography, but I did my best, keeping my definition of the subject in the simplest of terms. At least she was hearing about it from me and not from a young friend who might have unknowingly confused my daughter even more.

Out of habit one day, I left the local newspaper on our kitchen counter. My curious tween read more than she needed to know. I addressed her concerns and gave her a big hug. After that, I've decided that my girls do not need to know all of the offensive details about Father Pat's mistakes. Papers can be recycled sooner; radios and TVs turned off more.

Though her understanding is more limited, it was just as painful to tell my 7-year-old that Father Pat left St. Pat's. She looked sad when I told her he did some wrong things on his computer. In her innocence, she asked, "Did he write swear words?" As I wished that's what he did, I simply explained to her that he is accused of looking at some photos he should not have had on his computer. She seemed satisfied with that information.

Beyond the talk of faith, we needed to act on our faith. I took the girls to St. Patrick's Church for Sunday Mass after the news broke. It was tempting to go to another church, but it was important to show my children that a parish is like a family and you don't bail out in tough times.

With the pews packed, many parishioners must have felt the same way, attending for encouragement, healing, wanting to know what's next for their church and feeling curious about what would be said or not said. (Two babies were baptized during the Mass; a perfect sign that new life continues in the Church that will never end, despite its problems here and now.) The Mass and the public acknowledgement of the situation eased some of my pain.

Coincidentally, the annual school pool party was held that Sunday night. The turnout was the highest it has been in several years. I think again it's because people needed to be together for support - to know we're in the same boat. I'm proud of the way St. Patrick's School families are handling this situation.

While my own anger has dissipated somewhat, at least for now, my sadness especially continues for the children who are shocked and surprised about the Father Pat they came to know and to love as a role model and a friend at school and church. My 12-year-old asked with pure concern about who would take care of Father Pat's two frisky cats he often shared funny stories about with the children. That type of childlike innocence is hard to shatter, and it's heart-breaking how fast it needed to come to an end with a mother-daughter talk one summer day.

 LaCrosseTribune